must...stay...positive...

with the way 2008 is starting out, its really hard to stay focus and think positive. there are days when i have to look really hard to see that my life compared to others is pretty damn good. i repeat to myself, life is good, life is good...if i say it enough and only think about all the good things that are happening to my life, i smile a little. thank god for therapy.

i am the crazy chick in the corner rocking and muttering to herself.
repeat after me...i am happy, life is good...you are what you think!

Happy 2008!

2008...

I just re-read my entire blog and realized how depressing my writing is. So for 2008, I will try and be more positive and up beat.

One step forward, two steps back...

that's the feeling today. I'm always trying to stay positive about my relationship but there's always this nagging feeling that no matter what I do, its not enough to hold on. I'm beginning to think this wasn't meant to be. I think the roller coaster of emotions is too much for little me to handle. I think his constant flip flopping on where he wants to be is taking its toll on me. One day I'm estatic about us and the next I'm going thru the emotions of being single again. Yeah, that's how extreme the emotions are. See why I'm losing my sanity?

Progress...

It was an incredible weekend. The relationship is moving, don't know exactly the direction that its moving, but hey, lets not ask for too much. Any move is good, at least I'm not hanging out by myself in limbo.

Life can be so unpredictable and I am slowly learning that that's not always a bad thing.

uurrgghhh...candy coma...sugar high

Remind me not to take candy from small children. I only took a handful and now my head is paying the price. I knew I should have stopped at the 3rd bag of reese's pieces. Wish me well, I'm crawling into bed after work and hopefully this "pang" will go away. Ouchy. Next year, I will only take ONE, greed be-gone!

Another month, another post...

It was great trick 'o treating with the godsons last nite. Fun with a capital "F". It was a great little stroll and definitely cemented my wanting of little ones. I know not at this very moment, but soon, I would love to cuddle with my own little monster as they trolly thru the neighborhood begging for candy from strangers. Oh, yes, that is a dream.

I can only hope that the current relationship will bring me closer to that dream. Everyday I hope for some kind of sign that its "moving in the right direction". But is it just me that the harder you look, the less it seems to be that way. I know what I "need" to do, but what about all that following your heart thing? *Sigh* Even I'm getting sick and tired of my indecisiveness. One day, and I mean before this year ends, I will nip this in the bud should it not materialize what I need in life. Pray for me kiddies!!!

Contradictions....

This is one of the most interesting relationships I have ever been in. He's great on so many levels and we enjoy each other's company so very much. And yet, it is the most disconnected and lonely relationship I've ever experience. I'll talk more when I figure out what the hell is going on. Stay tuned.

Because I can...

Why do I babble on and on about nonsense? because this is my blog and the voices in my head said I can. Have you checked your crazy meter today? Survey says...one in three people is crazy. Gather 2 of your friends, if they seem relatively normal, you're IT..Crazy McNut...yup, that's Me.

I'm 12...

The immaturity of how I deal with my relationships will amaze anyone. With two weeks before i turn 30, you would think I'd learned a lot these past 3 decades about how to handle relationships. NOPE. I suck at it. I'm immature and insecure. Why? God knows. How do you learn to be an adult? There's got to be classes somewhere at that can give me a few pointers. Or maybe I gotta seek more professional help from the head doctors. Until I "grow the f_ck up", I'm 12.

Truckin' along...

Huge talk this weekend. When I say talk, I mean me talking, not him. He listened very attentively because he knew that's how he will dig his ass out of this mess, which HE created. After I talked and he agreed to everything I said, we are once again back on good grounds. Men please take note, when u F*ck up, just shut up and listen to her telling you how much of a jack-a** you are, nod and say "yes dear" and the world will be at peace once again. That is until the next time u f*ck up, which is bound to happen, u can count on it!

Ah, the wonderful world of communication, it doesn't work unless feelings are hurt and egos are bashed. Yeah, well, such is life.

Ah-Ha!!!

I got my ah-ha moment this weekend and it wasn't pretty. Confirmed all my doubts but at the same time, it did not feel settling. Instead, it felt very very very sad to say to my gut, u are soooo right, we knew it didn't we? After much hoo-ha's and rambling about misunderstandings, we are still a work in progress.

How does this whole communication thing work? I don't get it, when I'm opening up and being upfront about things i get my hand slapped??? But when u say u "misunderstood" the definition of the word, its ok. I should be happy you told me and just accept the fact that u mis-interpetated and lets let by gones be by gones and move on....HA...yeah right. Yes, I stew on things, that's ME. Letting things go is not one of my strong points. I like to stew on things and then talk the living sh*t out of it until I can't stand to hear it no more, then I will push it to the back of my mind and not think about it until I get the next opportunity to bring it back up and throw it in your face. Yes, that is SOOOO me =)

Your gut doesn't lie...

Us women have this "sixth" sense where we know something is up. He may say over and over again that he's not hiding anything from you, but you know something is up. It's just gonna be a matter of time when that "something" surfaces. I'm waiting for the moment when I figure it out and say "AH-HA", I KNEW it, but god knows I don't know sh*t about what's going on, so that moment seems to be kinda far fetched.

But something is not right, my gut tells me so. I'm not really sure if I want to hang out long enough to figure it out either. What to do? I've asked, I tried snooping, it doesn't work, almost gave myself a heart attack. What's the point of a relationship if you can't trust the guy?

*sigh*

when your mind does tricks without the LSD

I swear I'm a freak. Most people jump to conclusions when they don't have all the facts and their minds wander around a bit. ME??? Hahahah...I imagine the hell of out EVERYTHING. That's right, everything. I can go from, hey, he's late for dinner, to he must be fking around behind my back because I have no idea how to hold down a relationship and men can not be trusted because they think with the lower part of their body and everything that comes to mind is negatively devastating. God, I so need drugs now because I have no control over my own thoughts. Thoughts that are physically and mentally crippling because I'm such a fking pessimist.

I have no faith in people, but then, that's a whole 'nother therapy session isn't it?
For now, I will sit in my padded room and rock myself to sleep.

dickens said it best...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times....

This has been the best 5 months I have ever spent with anyone. The compatibility and the similarities are just astonishing. I felt like god finally got fed up with my yelling screaming and bitching and sent this man into my life.

But...

like everything else in my life, there are always strings attached. F*CK! You would think for once, I'd get what I want without having to jump through hoops like a fking monkey. Dude, it gets tiring.

never off the saddle too long...

back in the game! sweetstuff and i met online, what a way to filter thru all the losers and hit on the jackpot. i've been trying and trying (oh trust me, i've been really going at it) to find that prince who will sweep me off my feet. none of that stupid prince charming on a white horse crap. but just sitting there over our uni happiness trying so hard not to jump out of my skin. ah..the joy of coupledom.

and then there was one...

ouch, it hurts. didn't think it would since i have been so sensible about the whole thing. i had doubts, many of them, that this wasn't going to work out in the end. first i thought it was just me, setting standards and laying out expectations too high for the common man. but as time passed and i realized that it wasn't, not ALL me, just some. he wasn't ready. he didn't have his own life together, let alone be able to handle a new one with me. should i share the blame tho?
i do a bit, i take responsibility for allowing this to drag on as long as it did, but knowing that it's come to an end, feels abrupt. hmm...the last conversation just didn't give me enough closoure.
but such is life...moving on....

are we all the same?

these days i see many of my girlfriends go thru the same thing. i always say to myself, that will not be me. i will not turn into some idiot who would wait around for some guy to get a clue. i already did that 5 yrs ago, it doesn't work. but the sad thing is, if he does move, it's only because you kicked his ass so hard, he had to - defeats the point.
i'm at my wits end right now, putting my life on hold so he can figure out what he's gonna do with his. what is wrong with me? i swear i would never put myself in that situation again. it's not fair to me. yeah yeah, i bitch and bitch, but what am i gonna do about it? well, i'm gonna give it just a little time to pan itself out, and then i'm just gonna call it as i see it.
so tired, i have to say, trying to maintain a relationship that i have no idea where it's headed. i'm so not the kind of person who can wait on the sidelines. and on top of all that, i lack patience.
i don't have the luxury to give him yrs, i can only manage to give him enough time to digest our last discussion. if he still doesn't get it, well by golly, he's not gonna get it, no matter how much time i give.
watch out world, i'm gonna be back in the game!

just a random thought...

sometimes it just pops back into my head, that night my family fell apart. actually i can't really say that, i think my family fell apart a long time ago, this was just the final blow. my mom served him divorce papers and he just lost it. we had to call in the authorities to regain any sense of safety. we lied so he wouldn't be prosecuted. i think we did wrong.

we try to save face and not even acknowledge the incident even happened, but we know, we know it did and it changed our lives forever.

these past couple of years have been one hell of a roller coaster ride. somedays i'm ok that he's no longer in our lives and that we are definitely better without him. other days, i feel so angry, so cheated out of a wholesome family. yes, i blame him. he could have worked harder to make this work, but instead he took the easy way out.

he took to someone else. my mom would have been fine to let him go but he wouldn't leave, he didn't want to leave. we supported him all the while he was supporting someone else. we were idiots. he betrayed our love and our trust. he's scum. he's lower than scum.

we used to be so close, i was his favorite out of 3, i felt special. we had a connection. when did it get disconnected? when did i lose him? when did he stop loving us? why?

i don't think i'll ever know the answers, it pains me to have to come to terms with this.

i don't get it....

i just don't get it, what is wrong with people these days...
u read so many stories that are reported by the news media, and go, what the f*ck, are these people for real?

i mean, u don't even have to look far, just read the San Francisco Chronicle, sfgate or cnn online. i just sit there in absolute awe...

1) 81 yr old woman who's looking to purchase a new car accidentally steps on the wrong pedal and mows down her husband and the salesman before crashing into a parked car then a wall.
first of all, why the hell are u driving to begin with, you've had 60 plus years on the road (not knowing how much damaged u've already caused), give it up already woman, let the next generation have a go at it...sheeeesh

2) 13 yr old girl missing from Florida home...this is sad, yes it is, anytime children are involved, i get even more upset at the world, innocent young children should not be held accountable, but their idiotic mothers who dates the convicted sex offender who kidnapped her daughter should be...what the f*ck was she thinking? why the hell would you bring in a convicted sex offender into your house when u have small children living with u? if you want to mess up ur life and throw it out the window, so be it, but don't put the young ones are risk...sheeesh

3) awww....and the finale of todays headlines....scott peterson is the love of my life and he is innocent... proclaims woman all over this ridiculous nation we call the US of A. Per interview with the warden at where peterson is being housed, it is said that peterson receives about 85 letters from woman all over the world professing their love for him and totally believe that he is innocent. what are these woman hoping for??? that he'll be paroled one day so he can con them into his life and kill them? i'm just like...huh?? wtf?

and that's just todays headlines boys and girls...let's see what the weekend news brings us.

I learn something new everyday....

and what is the lesson I learned today? do not tell the insurance company that your car was in any way or formed harmed by a shopping cart. cuz if u do, that would be consider a collision. how? well...let me elaborate and fill you in on the conversation I had with the claims agent.
first some background info...I didn't notice the scratches on my car until late in the afternoon after work when I went to the company garage to retrieve my car...to my astonishment, there were multiple scratches all over the bumper and drive side doors. my immediate response was to find someone to blame...why would I do that u may ask...instant gratification should I be able to fault someone else...but as the garage attendants explained how they could not have caused the damage, I was already fuming, so I waved them away and drove home.
I wanted to call the insurance immediately, but I didn't have their phone number, tho it was staring at me right in the face, I had to dig thru piles and piles of mail to find the original statement to get a number that has been written in all my other statements...DUH!....
finally getting hold of a number and getting thru to a claims agent...here's the good part where I totally get screwed....so the claims agent asked how I suspected the damages were caused...I said, most likely a shopping cart....DING DING DING....well u see boys and girls, a shopping cart has four wheels and is mobile, hence it constitutes to be called a vehicle, so when u get scratched by a shopping cart, it would be considered collision damage...not comprehensive...and with the way I purchased my insurance coverage (comprehensive deductible $250, collision $500) I basically screwed myself by telling them the truth about the shopping cart.

so what have we learned here? never tell the truth (no good deed goes unpunished)
and never ever talk about any type of shopping cart when trying to make a claim...
I would avoid all tonka trucks, kiddy tricycles, and especially never to buy ur kid one of those toy cars where they could maneuver....that would constitute under age driving, driving with out a license and insurance and definitely will entail repo of the "vehicle" and imprisonment of both you and your child.

consider yourselves warned!!! good luck and god bless!!!!

dating...

dating...that's one ugly word. for those who enjoy it, good for you. i'm sure you are happy with the uncertainty and the insecurity of not knowing where you stand and what you are headed towards. call me a pessimist. that i am. i definitely have my doubts about this whole dating game. and believe me you, it's a game. it's a game of tolerance, endurance and patience.
who the hell set all these damn "unspoken" rule for dating? why can't we come right out and ask about everything? why is knowing each other's most intimate details a crime? aren't we suppose to "get to know" each other? i thought that was the purpose of dating before marriage and all that good stuff that comes with it. (don't get me started on marriage and kids and family...that's a whole 'nother blog in itself).
from my post, you would think i'm just a bitter old spinster, but on the contrary...i'm dating. or seeing, or hanging out with someone. what are we calling it these days? seems like there are new ways to identify status everyday. wonder who has the time to come up with all these terms. way back when things were simpler, it was "going". so i'm going with someone. where are we going you might ask. i don't have the slightest idea. hence my little rant above.
i hate not having a road map (not that i can read a map), but metaphorically, i would like to know what direction i'm heading towards, so i can somewhat prepare for the consequences for venturing out in the first place.
~end rant.

random babble...

during the holidays, we rarely give thought to the tragedies around us. a lot of people have taken a break from talking about the war in iraq, the famine in africa, the desolated in asia. until something newsbreaking like the tsunami in south asia that brings us back to reality from our holiday coma.
people in my office were talking about the gifts they received and new years resoutions that were to be resolved, until the images of the tragedy in south asia was flashing on every flat screen in the room, news of the climbing death toll blared from the turrets. the corners of people's mouths immediately took a southward turn, eyes that were filled with laughter nanoseconds ago turned watery and sad.
i look at all the images and my eyes become blurry, tears trickling down my face, i pray for all the people. those who were taken were in my prayers, hoping that their suffering was at a minimal. for those who survived, my heart goes out to you.
reality hits. love those around you. appreciate those you love. embrace the the life you live because it could all end without a moments notice.
hopefully in 2005, the guy upstairs will leave us be and bestow a year of tranquility to those on earth.

it's a small world after all...ugh!

it seems so hard these days to meet new people. why is that? i was recently at a friend's house for friday nite dinner, she had also invited some of her husband's friend to join us. i thought, great, finally some fresh faces and probably new discussion topics. the minute these people walk in the door, i was floored. i know both of them. he walks in and says..."hey amy, haven't seen u in a while". i'm thinking, god gosh, how small can this world be. we went to chinese school together, his wife went to high school with me, and he's a friend of my older sister. there goes the whole "meeting new people" thought. i mean seriously, if u grew up in sf, the chances of meeting NEW people is pretty much zilch...i need to branch out....

just grateful i guess...

look at what i have and the people that love me, i'm very lucky.
nuf said.